This past weekend was one of the best of my life. I got to spend most of Saturday and part of Sunday with Master. We spent a lot of intimate one on one time as well as doing some shopping and date stuff on Saturday. Then on Sunday we took my son to the zoo.
I was feeling a lot of anxiety before the weekend about the idea of doing another rough/pain play scene. A large part of our first few times together was composed of various forms of impact, choking, throat fucking, and a sampling of other types of pain. This time I was really craving some softer stuff, more of a romantic feeling. I communicated that to Master, and it was established that we would do a mix of both.
Even after that was negotiated, I was still feeling very resistant about it. I had been having a rough week emotionally. I felt that if I was pushed even a little bit I would break down, and that made me wonder if maybe rough play was exactly what I actually needed.
As much as I love the challenge of pain play, as much as I get out of experiencing the fear and anticipation and exhilaration, as much as I love the playful elements of the exchange, there are times when I’d rather just lay back and feel the pure pleasure of soft intimacy. I know there’s nothing wrong with that, and I know that Master has no trouble accommodating those desires. I also know that accommodation doesn’t come free. I need to be willing to serve Master’s desires even when my own, at least consciously, don’t line up. In the end, we both end up getting something that we want, plus the pleasure of satisfying each other. My willingness to yield to him deepens our dynamic, and that is something that we both benefit from.
That is the beautiful thing about being in a Master/slave relationship. The dynamic is always “on,” and giving Master all the power means I am often pushed outside of my comfort zone. I am forced to face my fears. I am placed in front of a metaphorical mirror and must reflect on my own thoughts and attitudes and search for the truth even when it’s painful. I grow tremendously through that, but it is not easy.
Because of this dynamic, even being in Master’s presence has an intense impact on my energy. Master has an intense and intimidating energy even without our established dynamic. Being extremely empathetic, as many subs have the tendency to be, gives a lot of power to the flow between us, whether we are doing heavy impact play or just eating at a restaurant. The downside (or, more accurately, a hidden upside) is that after we are separated I have experienced a rough drop which tends to last a couple of days before I recalibrate and recover.
My drops usually take the form of feeling very tired and drained of energy, irritable, sad, anxious, insecure, hopeless, needy, having random crying spells, and even feeling physically ill with stomach aches, headaches, or flu like symptoms.
When we talk about scenes or D/s dynamics in general, a lot of the discussion and sharing about play is focused on how intense it was, what kind of marks we ended up with, how deep we got into sub space or Dom space, all that fun stuff. The flip side of it which is not often shared about openly is the drop.
Not everyone experiences drop in the same way, or even at all, and there are things that can be done to help minimize or mitigate it using precare, aftercare, and communicating well during a scene. I believe that it is the shared responsibility of the Dominant and submissive to use a combination of self care and care directed towards each other before, during, and after scenes. As with everything, the more you can communicate about your mental, physical, and emotional state, the better, and that includes communicating with yourself. I find that asking myself what I need or want helps me to really consider whether it is something I can do for myself or something that I need to ask of my Master.
I’ve heard sub drop referenced in the articles and videos that I’ve checked out a lot more than Dom drop (or “Top drop”), but drop can happen to both parties.
I’ve never heard anyone say that drop is a wonderful thing. I think it is, and that it can be a perfect opportunity for self improvement and relationship improvement if managed well.
Why does drop happen? There is a list of reasons why participating in a BDSM scene can lead to drop. The most logical explanation has to do with the chemicals in the body that are released during a scene. All the endorphins and adrenaline being pushed through your system are what lead to the commonly referenced sub space or Dom space, that altered state of consciousness that many people reach during a scene. It’s been described by a lot of people as some type of high. Once those chemicals have been used up, you can experience a nasty crash, especially if you’re not prepared and don’t know how to handle it.
This is why aftercare is one of the most important parts of practicing BDSM. Aftercare can look different for everyone, but the basics include water, lots and lots of water, to combat dehydration and help your system flush and rebalance. Eating a meal, or at least a snack, is a good idea to help stabalize blood sugar and replenish nutrients. Chocolate or orange juice or anything else with quick simple sugars are good for combatting drops in blood sugar.
I’ve personally found that physical intimacy, such as cuddling, kissing, and sometimes even sex, is a very helpful element of aftercare. Physical comfort helps bring down stress levels and gives me a deep feeling of security. I will note here that there are many people who prefer to be left alone and untouched for a period of time following a scene and prefer to process the experience without the attention of the Dom or top they played with. As with anything, know that everyone has their personal preference and communicate about that before the scene.
Perhaps just as, if not more, important to my aftercare is verbal communication and reassurance. This can be key for both Dom and sub, especially in an ongoing relationship, because you can make each other aware of what you enjoyed about the scene and what you got out of the experience, as well as what you didn’t like or expect. Just voicing these feelings can be very therapeutic. It feels great to be heard, to be free to express your true reactions to such a profound experience. It also feels great to be reassured that you preformed well and that your partner liked what you did. And even if they didn’t like parts of it, it’s useful to discuss exactly what went wrong in the aftermath so that you can adapt and adjust if needed.
Another thing that has been really helpful for me after scenes is just going out (or staying in) and doing something vanilla and relaxed, like watching a movie or going to a lounge and listening to music. Really anything to bring my mind and body back to a less intense state of being, anything that is a mostly passive activity.
In the days following time with Master, I stay in communication with him and with friends as much as possible, even when I am feeling tempted to isolate myself. I do a lot of journaling, which is always accessible to Master, and I tend to write though all of my mental and emotional states. This helps a lot during drop. I can express things more easily and explicitly through writing than verbally, which helps both myself and my Master to understand what I’m going through and how to deal with it.
Rest is another important thing to allow yourself after a scene. Even taking a nap for an hour can do a lot to reset your mind and body. I tend to take longer and deeper naps in the couple days following a scene. I tend to have some pretty intense crazy dreams too. I pay special attention to these dreams because I know they are a great indicator of the things my subconscious is trying to process.
I’ve learned so much about myself already through BDSM. The whole process of engaging in play, the relationship dynamic itself, reading and hearing about the ideas and experiences of others, and, of course, communicating and interacting with Master Eros on a consistent basis have all brought me to a level of awareness and openness that I have never experienced before.
Drop and aftercare are very important parts of that awareness, and I encourage everyone to embrace and share these elements of BDSM as openly as the rest.
Love and light. ❤️🔥