The Birds and the BDSM: The Conversation Your Parents Never Had With You

Over the last several weeks, I’ve been on the path to realizing my dream of making full time work out of BDSM education and community building. I’ve been doing a lot of networking, which is really key when you’re trying to spread any kind of important message. I typically get three types of responses when I tell new people I’m connecting with that I am a BDSM blogger.

1. “Hmm. That’s interesting.”

Without further comment, I can usually tell that this statement is basically communicating “Well, that’s pretty out there and definitely isn’t my thing, but good for you.” These people may respect my pursuit, but don’t really want to know any of the gorey details.

2. “That’s awesome! I’ve had some experience with that and have always been curious to learn more.”

These people start asking questions about how I got into the lifestyle and what kinds of things I have experienced. They give me a lot of props for putting myself out there and sharing my story.

3. “What is BDSM?”

This answer is, to me, surprisingly common. Even with the scattered representations of BDSM in popular media, many people are still largely oblivious to what it actually is, or even what the acronym means.

In American culture, sexual expression has become much more common and diverse than ever in its history, but not all of us ever even got the basic “birds and the bees” talk from our parents, let alone education about all the various types of sexual and sensual activities that are possible. So for those who don’t know, and even those who do, I’ll spend the remainder of this post going over some basic information about what BDSM is.

When two people love each other very much…

BDSM stands for sets of practices including bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M).

Bondage and discipline can involve things like rope play, handcuffs, rule setting, and implimenting punishments, such as spankings.

Dominance and submission is all about power exchange. Whoever takes the Dominant role is the one who has power and control over the submissive, whether it be for a specific scene or timeframe or full time. The extent of the Dominant’s power is prenegotiated and the submissive gives initial consent for this power exchange to take place.

Sadism and masochism are, respectively, receiving arousal and pleasure from inflicting pain (sadism) or from having pain inflicted (masochism). This pain can be experienced in many different forms, physical and emotional.

Any of these sets of practices can be carried out in a wide variety of ways, and BDSM is commonly used as a blanket term for all the kinky, abnormal sexual and relationship roles and activities that one might engage in.

To Sex or Not To Sex

Okay, so, to make something abundantly clear, BDSM does not have to involve romantic love, or even sex, for that matter. As someone once said when I asked for advice about beginning to explore BDSM, “You don’t have to be penetrated or even take your clothes off to enjoy being spanked by someone.” There are some people who play in BDSM and give it no deeper meaning or intention than to be a fun pastime. There is a lot of play that can be done for nonsexual purposes.

There are also those who take on part time or even full time roles as Dominants/Masters or submissives/slaves strictly for the service aspect who have no romantic connection with their partner in that dynamic. They carry out their roles in an emotionally detached, business-like manner, and their activities may or may not involve some form of sexual gratification.

For many people, BDSM is very much related to sex and sexual desire and expression. It is a way to play out every deep dark (or not so dark) fantasy. If you have a fantasy you have always wanted to experience and you’re willing to talk about it and put yourself out there in the BDSM community, chances are you can find someone who is interested in helping to make that fantasy come true.

If I were to list all the kinks that I even know of, the list would be a mile long, so I won’t go into listing or describing specific types of play in this post. Suffice to say that, aside from bondage and impact play (spanking, whipping, caning, etc), which are typically the first things that come to most people’s minds when they think of BDSM, there are a myriad of kinks to explore, from purely innocent to extremely taboo.

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

For me, and for many others, being in a kink relationship and/or being a member of a kink community makes it finally acceptable to voice all of the secret desires that used to make us feel weird and dirty and wrong. It also gives us a way to connect with others who want to play on those desires.

So many people have asked me “How can I find a good sub/Dom?” or “Where can I meet other kinky people?” When you first decide to get into the lifestyle, it can be frustrating and confusing to figure out how to do that while remaining discreet. The sad fact is that we can’t openly talk or ask questions about kink, or seek out a way to fulfill our own, without risk of harsh judgement and damaged reputation.

In future posts, I will definitely be writing more about how to connect with other kinksters. Being new to the lifestyle myself, I’ve only begun to connect with other kinky people locally. In fact, the first time I actually met and socialized with anyone else who is openly kinky (besides Master) was last night, when I finally met a kinky polyamorous couple who I had been talking to online for several months. It is a wonderfully indescribable feeling to talk to someone else face to face about your kinks and experiences, especially when they are just as open as you are! I love hearing the stories and opinions of those who have been learning and exploring the lifestyle for years.

That being said, I also love talking to people who are brand new to the BDSM lifestyle and helping them to get a feel for what it’s all about and what the possibilities are. It reminds me of the magic carpet scene in Aladdin where they sing A Whole New World. “No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we’re only dreaming…” My own experience of having that veil lifted and seeing this whole new world before me is still fresh in my mind. The potential is so vast that it can be absolutely intoxicating to even try to comprehend.

BDSM has made things possible for me that I thought for years I could only dream of, things like rape fantasies, group sex, deliciously tantalizing sensation play, and, fuck, even just having my submission and obedience honored and deeply appreciated for once in my life! What an awesome experience!

For once I’m not just being called a freak because I like to call my partner Daddy or be choked and bitten and growled at. I’m not being told that acting on my submissive nature in a relationship is unhealthy. I’ve actually communicated much more assertively in this relationship than ever before, and Master feeds my needs and desires more than any past partner.

It’s almost like discovering sex all over again, but it’s so much more than that.

In upcoming posts, I’ll be writing more about how to connect with your local BDSM community as well as online BDSM communities. That has been a really important aspect for me of exploring my kinky side. It has helped me tremendously in my learning and growth in this lifestyle.

In the meantime, love and light to all. ❤️🔥

P.S. If you enjoy my posts, don’t forget to follow my blog by entering your email at the bottom of the page so you can get notified every time I publish a new post!

If you don’t already, follow me on Instagram @slavepsyche and friend me on FetLife username slavepsyche!

Reach out or leave a comment and tell me what you think of my posts! I appreciate any and all kinds of feedback!

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