As I get ready to lay down and send myself off to sleep, I preform my nightly cologne dabbing ritual. I put a couple dabs on my pink and purple stuffed monkey and on my white unicorn with her rainbow horn, hooves, and mane. Then I put a couple more dabs on my pillow. Now I’m surrounded by the fresh scent of Master’s Brut cologne. I feel comforted and safe.
Yet I am a bit uncomfortable. It’s a hot night, and even in the basement where I sleep it’s quite humid. Michigan summers can get pretty intense. Master has commanded that I sleep topless tonight, a punishment for missing two of my daily edging rituals. Master knows that I am uncomfortable sleeping in less than a t-shirt and shorts, because he has taken note when I expressed it. I can’t help but think that if I have to sleep without a shirt, I wish at least that Master was with me to enjoy the access.
I’m always thinking of him, and that may not be any different than any other romantic relationship, but the way I think of him, as my Master and my owner, is different. It’s not that I don’t think of him as a partner, lover, or friend, because he is all of those things to me, but my duty and commitment to him as my Master is deeper and more sacred to me than those other things.
What Makes A Slave?
When I first started exploring BDSM, I thought people who lived as slaves in the lifestyle were always chained up and often caged. I thought they had no interaction with the world beyond serving their Master, mostly sexually. I thought that they got beaten all the time at the whim of their Master and lived a very narrow and isolated life.
As I researched, read more, and watched more videos about Master/slave relationships in BDSM, I came to the realization that, while some might conduct their M/s relationships similar to the way that I had conceived, there is only one truly defining factor of slavery: ownership. BDSM slavery is consensual, but the commonality it has with forms of forced slavery in history and different cultures is that the life of a slave can differ greatly depending on the type of Master who owns them.
In BDSM, it is generally the accepted responsibility of a Master to take good care of their slave property, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Though they may push the boundaries of their slave’s capacities, they don’t intend to break their slave to the point of causing instability without building them back up. A broken slave is of no use. The full value of a slave is to be used as a whole person. I believe that when a slave is allowed their full potential, they provide the highest quality service to their Master. The process of breaking down and building up can be a continuous cycle in a relationship, but the end goal is to refine the slave and help them to become the best version of themselves they can be. It is a Master’s role to help their slave develop their skills and talents for the purpose of serving. It reflects very well on a Master when their slave is productive and has a positive impact on the people around them as well as within the relationship.
A lot of people in the BDSM lifestyle might look at my relationship and say that I’m not a real slave. I don’t live with my Master and he doesn’t micromanage every aspect of my life. I’m allowed to wear what I choose (most of the time). I am allowed to freely express my opinions to my Master and to others. I sit on furniture. I choose what to eat on a daily basis, within the limits of my diet plan. I have a lot of choices that I am allowed to make without Master’s direct input. Still, Master Eros owns me and he has ultimate authority over me. If he chose to limit or take away my choice in anything, it would be his right to do so.
I read a very good analogy for this in the book Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham (a great book for female submissives). She describes 24/7 M/s as a rider holding a horse’s reins. The rider takes the reins, and there are times when they let the horse have its head and run freely, but at any moment they can choose to tighten those reins and control the movements of the horse if needed or desired. My slavery is a core part of who I am as a person. Even if it’s a subtle underlying feeling, I am aware of Master Eros holding my reins. I consider him and his will in all that I do. When I’m unsure, or if I have a request for a rule exception or anything that is outside of our normal protocols, I ask for his permission. I try to anticipate his needs and think of ways that I can support and help him in his everyday life. It’s a lot more difficult being two hours away from each other than it would be if I was in his presence to attend to him all the time, but I do my best under the current circumstances.
In many ways, being Master and slave isn’t vastly different from being in a vanilla relationship. I could be caged for a whole weekend and treated as the conceptual slave I described above, but that type of arrangement isn’t totally realistic for a 24/7 dynamic. We still have to interact with “normal” society. We have to work. We have to pay bills. We have to go shopping. We have to tend to our children. We have to visit with friends and family, some of whom may not be fully aware of our relationship dynamic for one reason or another.
Many M/s couples develop their own subtle ways of communicating certain things in public, with children around, or among unsuspecting vanilla company. I’m sure that Master Eros and I will develop our own signals and protocols for these situations, but, for the most part, I am comfortable acting as his slave no matter who is around. I’ve already gotten so used to calling him my Master that when talking to friends or aquaintances I usually refer to him as such, rather than as my “boyfriend.” I feel rather strange calling him my boyfriend, actually.
The Difference Between D/s and M/s
When it comes to this question, there is quite a bit of debate. When does a Dominant become a Master and a submissive a slave?
Most people agree that being a slave involves a deeper and more complete degree of submission. In my opinion, once again, it comes down to the concept of ownership. A submissive may even submit all aspects of themselves and their life to their Dominant, but unless they agree to become the Dominant’s property and be owned by them, they’re not a slave.
Some people in D/s relationships don’t refer to themselves as Master and slave simply because they aren’t comfortable embracing those titles, or because they don’t believe that a M/s relationship is actually healthy or attainable.
It was hard for me at first to think of myself as a slave. It was much easier to call Master Eros “Master.” I felt that he earned that title even very early on in the relationship. It was only after reading more about the concept of BDSM slavery through the perspectives of other slaves that I was fully willing to call myself his “slave.” I ceased to think of it as a purely degrading title and took it as one of honor. My Master chose me to be his, and I know he would only choose the best for such an important role in his life, and the best is what he deserves. So I wear my collar and my title with pride and complete devotion to him.
I will definitely be covering more aspects of M/s and the unique challenges involved in this type of relationship in future posts.
I also have an exciting announcement to make!
This weekend I’m going to start prepping for the launch of a brand new podcast, which I’ll be cohosting with my friend, Polly VonDolly! She is a wonderful, beautiful, funny, smart woman who lives the polyamorous lifestyle and she is also a fellow kinkster. I anticipate that this podcast is going to be a lot of fun! I will have more details on the launch soon!
Love and light. ❤️🔥