I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I’ve had so many thoughts in my head, and felt the urge to write about so many things, but when it came to working on this blog, I felt like I lost my drive.
I’ve given up on a lot of things in my life. I’ve started projects, books, jobs, relationships, and tons of other things that I never finished because I lost interest. I ran out of steam. I was no longer inspired. The thing about BDSM and its role in my life is that this journey will never end. There is no destination. The journey is the destination. I still believe whole-heartedly that this is a journey I am meant to share with the world.
Sometimes it hurts. It hurts to be so raw and real and vulnerable, not only to my Master, someone who I know intimately and place personal trust in, but with strangers who I’ve never met. It’s scary to face the possibility of criticism and rejection. People can be closed-minded, mean shitheads. But if I keep quiet, stay in the background and don’t make any noise, I’ll just be confirming the idea that people like me, people with alternate lifestyles, with unpopular beliefs, don’t matter, and that we should just do our best to blend in with everyone else and fit into society’s box of expectations.
So today I want to talk about masochism and my personal philosophies about pain.
Generally, people avoid pain. We avoid pain because it’s part of our survival instinct. Things that cause pain have the potential to harm or even kill us. That is precisely why experiencing pain can give us such a high.
I’ve experienced a lot of different types of pain. I’ve vaginally given birth to a child, and while I definitely would not say that it turned me on sexually in any way, I have heard stories of women who actually achieved orgasm during childbirth. I’ve sprained my ankle. Again, not a sexually exciting type of pain for me. I’ve had headaches. Really nothing sexy or enjoyable about those. Yet, if I’m slapped in the face, or bitten on the neck, or paddled on the ass, those sensations awaken something in me. It’s a primal feeling. When there is an inflicter, even if that person is myself, the pain associated with the action becomes more interesting. It has a purpose. It is also a display of power, part of an energy exchange.
Some people take pain at face value. I enjoy being aware of a deeper meaning in it. This isn’t only true of physical pain. I consider myself an emotional masochist just as much as, if not more than, physical. I believe that experiencing any type of pain ultimately makes me stronger and wiser. It’s not about building a pain tolerance or becoming numb to it or finding ways to dissociate and escape from feeling the pain. I want to fully embrace it. I want to be present and aware of it. I want to both experience it and observe it. I want to learn about it. I want to be taught by it.
I have experienced a LOT of emotional pain at the hands of people who didn’t value or respect me. Those experiences have damaged me. Those experiences have instilled fear and anxiety in me that I struggle with every day. But if Master gives me an experience of emotional pain (like degradation or humiliation), just as with physical pain, it combines that pain with a sense of pleasure and security. The fear of social rejection and embarassment is still there, but I’ve become a lot more bold and outgoing than I once would have been. I’m not as afraid to be in social situations in the first place. I see it now as an exciting opportunity to be challenged.
Since I have experienced some of the things that Master is capable of physically, I have had the tendency to shy away from engaging with his sadistic side. Part of me prefers to go through our relationship on “easy mode”, just be a good girl, avoid punishments, offer sexual and practical services, and call it good. I’m used to doing those things by now. There’s no major difficulty in those things. But that would be totally sidestepping a major aspect of our dynamic, a key part of why we caught each other’s interest in the first place.
I am a masochist, and he is a sadist.
Now that Autumn is upon us, I feel it is time to shed old skin. It’s time to wrap up and cut off things that are no longer serving my growth or progress toward goals. It’s time to examine things. It’s time to plan some new objectives. There are some things that need to happen, things that I must accomplish, no matter what it takes. Complacency has been stealing my thunder for too long.
Masochism, for me, is just as much about facing and overcoming fear as it is about the sensation of pain. The joy, the reward, the sense of accomplishment that comes from going through that process is proportionate to the amount and intensity of the pain endured. In that way, pain play is a symbolism for rebirth, for creation, for breaking through to the other side of an obstacle.
I know that not every submissive or bottom is a masochist. There’s nothing wrong with not being one. But I think we can all agree that in most situations, we can accomplish much more by pushing into a realm of pain and discomfort than we ever could by settling into our comfort zones.
So in this new season of my life, I will commit to allowing myself to be pushed, to experience more than what I think I can handle so that I can see what is actually possible. I commit to trusting my intuition and trusting my Master to be with me and guide me through it all with his loving hand. I’m excited for the future, because I know I will be meeting wonderful people, having new experiences, and living the life I truly want. I encourage all of you to do the same, whatever that looks like for you.
Love and light.