How BDSM Changed My Life

At the beginning of 2018 I was a mess. I was in a relationship that was strained and not completely genuine, but at the time I believed it was healthy. I was 150 pounds overweight. I ate exorbitant amounts of (mostly junk) food. I moved as little as possible. I stayed at home the majority of the time because I was too self conscious and anxious to go out and be around people. I feared that I would be constantly judged. I didn’t work and had no income. Parenting was my primary responsibility, but I was largely distracted from truly engaging with my son and appreciating him. I was very cynical, depressed, unmotivated, and I had resolved to live out the rest of my hopeless existence by making as many bitterly sarcastic jokes and consuming as many dank memes (mmm, lifeblood) as possible.

My boyfriend dumped me. Over text. I woke up one morning and that was that. He said basically that I was holding him back. Ouch. At that moment, I decided not to wallow in self-pity. I decided to take a fucking look in the mirror and figure out what I needed to change to stop holding myself back. I wanted to be a better mom. I wanted to be healthier and slimmer and stronger. I wanted to have a deep, meaningful romantic relationship. I wanted to write. I wanted to create. I wanted to have mind blowing sex on a regular basis. I wanted to have friends that I could count on to lift me up instead of pulling me into their stupid drama. I wanted to be a productive member of society and achieve financial independence. I wanted to do more than just survive. I wanted to thrive. I wanted to actually LIVE.

So I started doing the work. I looked for a job and researched career paths. I went back to a way of eating that I knew would help me lose weight quickly, the low carb ketogenic diet. I started to ask myself questions about my thinking patterns. I started watching and reading content from life coaches, sales coaches, business coaches, relationship coaches. There were people out there that were much more successful at these things than I was, so I figured I’d better check out what they had to say, right? I connected with many successful people on social media, people who were encouraging each other to go for their dreams and set out of this world goals with a fully real intention to reach them. I distanced myself from a couple people who I considered my best friends because of their negative attitudes, toxic lifestyles, and lack of respect for my boundaries. I decided to be more present in my parenting.

At first, my goal was to get my ex back. I watched dozens of videos from relationship coaches talking about how to get your ex back. I was pretty set on the idea. I so badly wanted a stable, solid romantic partnership, not only for my own sake, but because one of my core values has always been family. I wanted a family. I wanted my son to have another parent in his life. I wanted to fulfill my role in a family unit, as a partner and a mother. My ex and I had talked about marriage and having more children. We were both on the same page. I figured it was a good bet.

What all the relationship coaches said was essentially: stop contact and work on getting over them. The principle of this is that the more you act as though you don’t need your ex in your life and you’re happy without them, the more they will eventually start to wonder why they dumped you in the first place and what they might be missing out on. Since you’re not desperately begging for them to come back, you obviously have better things to do and more exciting things going for you.

For the first couple weeks, it was hell. I distracted myself, but I was lonely and I was definitely feeling the void. I was tempted to text him so many times at the end of the night when I was in bed by myself crying. But I didn’t. I held fast to the hope that the whole “no contact” thing would work its magic and one day in the not too distant future he would realize the error of his decision to dump me and come back wanting to work it out.

Well, something magical did indeed happen. After the recommended no contact period was over (30 days), I had no desire to contact my ex. He was in a new relationship already, and I was starting to understand that I had much more to bring to the table than I was willing to waste on someone who never even tried to get to know me on a deeper level. We had been great partners for watching Netflix and fucking and sharing memes, but the communication, conversation, and conflict management between us left much to be desired.

I continued to focus on this idea of what I could bring to the table. I always knew that I had good qualities and values and talents, but how could I use those to enrich someone else’s life? That question was the key that eventually unlocked everything.

See, this is a love story, but it’s not just the story of how I fell in love with a man. It’s also a story of how I fell in love with myself, and how I fell in love with a lifestyle, and how I fell in love with life.

I had spent a lot of time focusing on what I could get. I had been in shitty relationships with people who had manipulated me and some who lied to me, some who cheated, some who drained me financially, and I came to see that I always continued to give and to love and to stay in those relationships because I was waiting for an ultimate payout. I daydreamed about a day when my partner would achieve some great success and they would give a speech or a toast and talk about how they would never have accomplished whatever it was without my constant encouragement and support. I daydreamed about a beautiful wedding with tons of friends and family present. I daydreamed about having that family that I wanted so badly. That was my ideal picture of happiness.

After playing the martyr in so many situations, I realized that that I had been selling myself way short. I didn’t want or deserve to be with someone who I had to carry (or drag) through life, someone who constantly played the victim. My dedication and loyalty always seemed to be taken for granted and ultimately used against me.

On April 29th, 2018, I was swiping through OkCupid when I came across an intriguing profile, a “fun loving Leo” whose ideal partner should be “open minded” and who had a picture of a triskele with the invitation to message him if the one reading his profile knew what it was or was interested to find out. Well, I did not know what the fuck it was, but it looked cool, and I was definitely interested to find out.

I sent him a message, and he immediately replied saying that he was just typing a message to me when he received mine. Of course, I asked him about the triskele, and he informed me that it was a symbol used by the BDSM community for members to identify each other. “Perfect,” I said. I had always known, even without much knowledge or experience of BDSM, that I was a masochist and a submissive by nature.

We spent a large chunk of the next few weeks texting, then talking on the phone, and eventually video chatting. I think it’s safe to say we both became fairly quickly enamored and were amazed by how compatible we seemed to be. We talked about our kinks, our fantasies, our preferences, our limits, our past relationship experiences, what we wanted, what our deal breakers were. We learned a lot about each other and we were both very open right from the get go.

I started to do research, being brand new to the idea of truly entering this lifestyle, and I learned a tremendous amount. When I decided to submit to Master, I knew I wanted it to be more than an occasional bedroom thing. I loved the idea of kinky sex, the eroticism of being tied up and tortured, the excitement of having my ass torn up, but I realized it was deeper than that. I wanted to dedicate my life to him. I wanted to become this man’s property. I wanted to fully belong to him. I wanted to please him in every way possible. That’s not because I wanted to deny my own needs, but because that was my need. I needed to be submissive and be appreciated for it for once.

The thing that was emphasized by Master from the beginning was that his motivation for having a submissive was to have the opportunity to break them down in order to build them back up better and stronger. This would become a recurring theme that I found applied to all areas of my life.

He didn’t want a submissive just so that he could get blowjobs at the snap of a finger (although it would be an added benefit, and one we both thoroughly enjoy). He didn’t want a mindless drone to silently follow orders. He didn’t want someone to meet all his needs while he completely ignored theirs. He didn’t want someone who would be miserable in the role of submissive.

He wanted a submissive who was driven to improve themselves and their life. He wanted openness and honesty. He wanted someone who would share their genuine selves with him, who would respectfully express their own needs and desires. He wanted someone who would offer themselves freely because he had earned their trust and obedience. He wanted someone who craved his dominance, who needed it as much as he needed their submission.

That is the magic of the D/s dynamic. It is not all for the benefit of one person. It is for the mutual fulfillment of needs and desires. As much as people may say that it’s really all about one or the other, a one sided D/s dynamic simply cannot function.

One of the first things Master offered to help me with when we started to establish some rules and protocols was my diet. I had been following a ketogenic diet for a couple months, but wasn’t as disciplined as I wanted to be about it. Losing weight was a very important priority, so he established the rule about my daily calorie and carb intake. I became accountable to him for my eating habits, and in the 7 months since, I have cheated on my diet without permission a total of maybe 3 times, and each time the punishment was effective enough to convince me that it wasn’t worth it. Eventually, though, the results spoke for themselves. I have lost a total of over 90 lbs in the last 10 months.

And now, after making some initial adjustments and doing some research, I am transitioning to a whole food plant based diet in order to take my health and fitness to a whole new level.

Becoming Master’s slave has given me an extremely profound sense of responsibility. I have a very important role. If I don’t take care of myself, if I’m not at my best, or at least trying to get there, then I’m letting him down, and I’m letting myself down. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to be able to show me off like a show horse. I want to be in excellent health. I want to be mentally sharp. I want to be emotionally mature and demonstrate wisdom. I want to be an asset to him.

Being in this dynamic has helped me to cement healthy boundaries around my relationships. I speak up when I have something that needs to be expressed. I reach out and connect with people when I know we can mutually benefit, and I don’t enagage with people who I know will drag me down or don’t actually give a fuck about me.

I share more of myself now. Putting myself out there was something I began to do a lot more of before I met Master, but I’ve found my passion for the BDSM lifestyle compelling me to do even more.

There are so many other things I could say about how being in this dynamic has helped me, how it has changed me, how it has opened my eyes and my mind, and, most of all, my heart. I accept myself for who I am, who I always have been. I ackowlege my own needs. I can identify and communicate my own preferences, which I had a very hard time doing in the past.

I am looking forward to a whole new year of learning and loving in 2019.

Love and light.

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